Ramblings of the Heart and Mind

Ever get in those moments where everything is running through your mind all at once? Things that you just can't help but to think about, knowing that they are going to interfere with your daily activities? And the past is catching up with you mentally?

That's been happening to me a lot lately. I feel like I've lost so much. So much mixed emotions - pain, hurt, emptiness, heartache, loss....

It's been four and a half years since my grandmother passed away. I have never really had a chance to grieve. I was pregnant at the time and so much of life was going on, I had to be strong. I had to be strong for myself, for my mom, for my dad, for the child I was carrying. Then four months later, a miracle was brought onto me - my daughter. So then, I needed to be even stronger than I was before.

Then the time comes of losing who I thought was the love of my life. I though that things were great for us. We were together - a family. But I guess he wanted more, so he went out on me and had a son with one of my family members - a cousin. He claims that the reason being that the child we had together was not a boy so he had to move on. Our daughter was only eight months old. How can someone in their right mind leave a child for that reason? But that's alright, I forgave him and moved on... But then they got married. Not once has he tried to visit, write, or call since that has happened.

My daughter does not know who her father is. She is in the same position that I was as a child. Not knowing the man that is supposed to be there to protect her from the pain. The man that is supposed to take her fishing or dancing. The man that is supposed to walk her down the aisle when she gets married. The man that she is supposed to call daddy. And how can I explain to her that he choose not to be there for her? That he choose to be a daddy to another and not to her? That he doesn't even support her financially even though he's been ordered to by court? How do you explain something like this to a four year old girl who wants to know who daddy is?

Being the strong one is not as easy as it may seem to be. Being strong for two people is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Losing someone who you have known all your life, who you were so close too, who you called your best friend and then losing who you thought to be the love of your life, who left you to fend for your own and a child all in less than a year - I was heartbroken. I had no time to grieve. I had no time to cry. I had no time to take it all in. And now, the past is catching up and it's finally taking it's toll on me.

I need to cry. I need to grieve. I need to release the hold it has on me. But I also need to be strong. I have a child who does not need to see my pain, my tears, my burdens. She needs to see me happy, loving, strong. She needs to see her mommy.